Compared Expectations

1.BAHASA CINA 65 (B)
2.BAHASA INGGERIS 93 (A)
3.BAHASA MELAYU 74(B)
4.GEOGRAFI 76 (B)

5.KEMAHIRAN HIDUP 2 - ERT 75 (B)

6.MATEMATIK 73 (B)
7.PENDIDIKAN JASMANI & KESIHATAN 85 (A)
8.PENDIDIKAN MORAL 80 (A)
9.PENDIDIKAN SENI VISUAL 80 (A)

10.SEJARAH 89 (A)
11.SIVIK DAN KEWARGANEGARAAN 58 (C)
12.SAINS 86(A)

Kedudukan dlm Kelas : 10/ 38

Kedudukan dlm Tingkatan : 56/397

Pencapaian Gred Keseluruhan : 3 [A] 5 [B]

Jumlah Markah : 631

Peratus : 78.88

Gred Purata Pelajar : 1.63

I rocked it din't I. When I clicked into the website to check, I was confident, knowing that I did my best to aim it and score.

The page loaded and all I did was fingers crossing. First thing I saw was, or as in din't see was a C. I din't get a C for the first time cuz my Chinese always get C. I mean Chinese, pft. But this like on the line. Ngam ngam B ;)

Next, my eyes flew up and scanned down. Mentally ticking off the marks in my mind. Slowly, a smile edged across my face. I did it. My maths, I din't get a D like last time. No C. My KH improved. I did it.

I couldn't help myself. I laughed out loud in relief and did a little victory dance. And as if someone was watching, I looked around, suddenly back to reality and sat back down. But the smile on my face, grew wider.

Next? Spread the joy! So I called up my best friends and tell them. But one phone call, made me feel different. Made all the happiness go away. Replace it with sadness, failure.. Why is it you ask. I called her. I told her. She told me her results. She told me how she felt about it. I sat there. Listening. And my smile slowly fade away.

'' SIGH, Why I only have 5As, I studied like really hard you know. My average mark is only like 80 and above, that's like so lame.. my dad is going to kill me..''

I sat there. Listening to her rant. Staring at my own results. My heart dropped til the middle of the earth. Why does she have to say that? This is already not the first time it happened. Every time she rants on like this. I felt invisible. Yes, I wanted to be there for her. That's what bestfriends are for ain't. But every time, I feel a tug in my heart. A small devil-ish voice telling me, Isn't she great, She has great results, Why can't you do better?, Why do you suck so much?, Look at yourself, You tried so hard, But all you get is this. Now look at her, she tried hard and she got all that. But its not enough for her. You? You get this shit, and you feel like the top of the world. What's wrong with you? Failure, you are a failure.

As she ranted on on the phone, i clenched my fist, interrupted her and said: '' Can you stop talking? You get so good and you still want more. You said you worked hard, means I din't? I feel really insulted. I don't need to hear anything anymore. I'm hanging up. Bye.''

I dropped my phone. And sat there. As I said those words, I could hear my voice trembling. Tears welled up in my eyes. And I felt vulnerable again. I sat there and just cried. Feeling hot tears rolling down my face. Now that small devil-ish voice ain't so small, it was shouting at me, words, calling me a failure, and I just sat there, not fighting back the tears, not fighting back at all. For once, I let it all out.

Is it a matter of jealousy? Envy?

I don't know,

But I know this,

I can't stop trying.

And I won't.

Not ever.